Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog
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At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.
online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”
I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.
Oh my god
#Caturday
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case
Welcome to Insults Я Us, you sack of crap. Buy some stuff if you’re not too cheap. Maybe eat out of a garbage can. You’d probably like that
Muscle memory, but it’s the Amazon driver pulling up to my house on the odd day he doesn’t have a package for us.
I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
Teaching my son to use social media for the first time ever, since he can’t see his friends. We’re working on the fine art of conversation and how not to respond to every girl with “sup.”
What’s the most unhinged reply you’ve gotten on here because once I retweeted someone who said garbage dumps should have viewing windows for kids to watch and someone said that was dangerous because the kids might see discarded body parts serial killers threw away in the trash
DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone
Polite kitties have good etiquecat
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“Was I speeding?”
“No. Because you have a pony tail.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Sir, you’re over 40.”
What do you mean I can’t get a refund on this broken lamp?
Ma’am you bought it from my yard sale a year ago! *slams door*
Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies
Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
my son thinks trying to crawl around me to play with electrical sockets is hilarious. almost as funny as yeeting himself off the side of the bed
– playing “Is it cake? –
Me, chewing plastic: “It’s pretty good, but I wish it was more moist.”
I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.
Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
If we’re on a road trip and you don’t point out a cow when we see one you will have to get out and walk. Those are the rules. No exceptions.