[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school
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Her: You like shopping?
Me: Oh god yes!
Her: What’s your favorite place?
Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.
Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.
I’m too immature for adultery.
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
TODAY
If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong
I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.
I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?
Perfect
Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
*6 opens piggy bank*
Me: wtf where’d you get all that?
6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know
What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.
this article brought to you by lions
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kids’ hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry
Hubs:
A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.
Officer: Did u know your back light is out
Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage