Sweaters don’t sweat.
Jumpers don’t jump.
And knickers don’t knick.
-Just a few of the reasons that keep me up at night
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i can’t wait that long
Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”
Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’
*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism
Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.
Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.
“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.
– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.
The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive
You fool…sexy ladies are throwing themselves at you and you’re ignoring them because internet nerds have convinced you that “bots” are real
I drew y’all a little something.
[Quarantine]
Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you’re happy.
Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?
Day 13: IT’S CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES
medium: so you want to contact your wife
me: I can still hear her voice
wife: [howling] let me iiiiiin
me: it’s like she’s watching me
wife: [through window] I forgot my keys
I’m not saying I’m the best husband, but I did perfectly time placing my dirty dish in the sink just as my wife was finishing up washing the dishes.
Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.
Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.
Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.
I picked up a big pack of toilet paper in Walmart and some dude was on the same aisle like “dang sir what you gonna do with all that…” I wasn’t aware this needed an explanation but here we are
girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?
me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets
girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda
“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”
I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.
I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy
[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
Dear diary,
Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.
Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
Me: Alexa, tell me a fact to tell my date to break an awkward silence.
Alexa: When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.
Me: When hippos-
Date: Yeah, I heard…
FRIEND. My daughter just hates her job
ME: My dogter loves hers
F: You mean dau..
ME: *shows her a pic of a puppy in scrubs* She’s a dogtor
Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.