I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.
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Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh
“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”
due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.
Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.
If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’
“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.
[Installing ceiling fan]
Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished!Wife on the phone: Is this Bob’s fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
funny how dumbass pet animals will eat the same thing every day without realizing that Subway® offers over 19 different ways to Eat Fresh™
I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.
[pulled over]
Cop: Have you been drinking?
Me: No
Cop: *tosses me a sock* Stand on one foot and put this on
DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight
ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down
DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here
Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.
It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water
I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.
my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks
On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.
Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.
I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!