Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
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Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.
A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.
Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?
Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review
KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
KID: Canada?
I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
SOME DUDE IN A LAB IS WORKING ON BRINGING THE PTERODACTYL BACK TO LIFE SO ENJOY THOSE EVENING STROLLS WHILE YOU CAN!
Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
Me: I’m pretty brave.
Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.
Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage
Friend: She really likes you.
Me: Oh yeah?
Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.
Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.
“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds
[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]
My cat: lol no
[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”
A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.
Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack
Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs
Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome
Thinking about that time I used a pic of katy perry as my avi and a dude got so mad that I wasn’t actually katy perry that he called me a catfish and blocked me. Wonder how he’s doing now
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…
“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.
*embarrassing teenagers is easy.
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
Age 17: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my parent’s house
Age 37: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my toddler’s room
Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place
An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.
When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”
I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”
Shut your racist asses up.
My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream
“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter
My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights