The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
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My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.
I’ve heard parents say they don’t enjoy playing with their kids but I play all kinds of fun games with mine like..
-who gets to microwave mommy’s coffee?
-whoever finds the remote first can watch a show after I do
-whoever fills mommy’s water gets to be my favorite for the day
“Sorry I didn’t have a chance to clean up the place,” I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.
if he likes you he will let you know. if he wants to talk to you, he’ll text. do nothing. you’re a beautiful object. pretend you’re a tree
Me: I set a record for the rope climb in high school.
4-year-old: You climbed it the fastest?
My wife: He cried the most.
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
Executioner: any last words
Me: [very fast] if I’m innocent say what
Executioner: what?
Me: oh man you’re sooooo going to get fired.
Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.
One day your kids will come home from school and ask why you spelled their name wrong.
GEICO: customer service, how can we help?
ME: I’ve been in a car accident
GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?
ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?
Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…
cop: got any drugs on you
me: nah
cop: how about in your car
me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately
*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you
If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.
me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.
“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”
FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”
Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries
EMOTICON GUIDE
🙂 I’m happy
😉 Having a seizure. Still happy
:/ Having a stroke. Not happy
🙁 I’m a grouper
.) Lost an eye. Still happy
I need an Amazddy. It’s like a sugar daddy, but they randomly pay for the stuff in your Amazon cart.
Me: OMG did I tell you about my mom’s Facebook post?
Cop: Not only do you have the right to remain silent, I’m going to have to insist on it
Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.
My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.