I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.
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Doctor: I’m afraid we will have to remove part of your colon.
Me: So I’m gonna be a semicolon? LOL
Doctor:
I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.
Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed
Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
Barkeep. Send a drink over to little ms. thang over there. Tell her it’s from me
Sir, that’s a Ms. Pac-Man machine
*raises glass, winks*
My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy
Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
You know you’re getting old when you’re watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wondering if they get enough vitamin D.
6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.
My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.
How old do I look?
9yo: 30
Aww, you deserve ice crea-
9yo: Just like grandma
-m but too bad you’re not getting any
Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0
I heard a photographer was killed in a freak accident when a large wheel of cheddar landed on her.
To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn her.
Queen: Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: Not exactly ON the wall
King: I said I’d do it at the weekend. Get off my back, Sandra
I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.
[Starbucks Assassins Inc]
CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John
BARISTA: [writes] Jamie
C: Ok. Memorise it
B: [eyes shut] Janet
Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*
Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”
Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.
My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!
I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.
HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar
“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me
My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”