INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—
ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.
INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—
ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.
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My ex-husband’s mother invited me to lunch for my birthday and tbh, I’d rather be torn apart by wolverines and thrown into a vat of acid so naturally, I told her I’d check my schedule.
Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.
Me: hey, I like your tummy
Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets
All frogs are automatically my friends, I’m sorry I just can’t imagine a situation where a frog is unworthy of my eternal devotion
dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling
The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.
My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.
FROM: Harvard
SUBJ: Your PhD application
We are unable to accept you at this time as “Teaching Squirrels Karate” is too cool for us.
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
After the tooth fairy didn’t show up for the third night, my 7YO hid a dollar under her sister’s pillow and said, “I’m so done with lazy tooth fairies”
[taco bell 2am]
*lethally stoned*
me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”
Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.
When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.
kool-aid man: you’re grounded
kool-aid son: I hate you!
kool-aid man: don’t you dare g–
kool-aid son: *uses door normally*
Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement
An ape picks up a bone, contemplates it for a moment, has an idea, strikes his neighbour over the head with a satisfying ‘toc!’. And in that moment is born the xylophone.
“my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!”
i’ll be RIGHT back
*ducks into phone booth**pops head out 5 mins later*
is he gone yet
I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.
You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
I should have used more oils to get this off easier..
I’m trying to jerk it off but it won’t come.
Honey, dinner is stuck to the pan.
Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:
Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.
kthanksbye
My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.
SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.
still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart