If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.
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“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
I think my family is really going to dig the 15 minute powerpoint I’ve created of the things I am thankful for at Thanksgiving dinner.
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
AA MEETING
Chairman: Please, introduce yourself
Eminem: Hi! My name is..
C: What?
E: My name is..
C: Who?
E: Hi! My name is..
C: Huh?
Twitter :
Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.
Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.
genie: and for your third wish?
me: that you fall in love with me
[later]
me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list
At Olive Garden my 9 year old told the server, “Compliments to the chef!” Then he leaned too far and fell backward out of his chair.
8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”
Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”
I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It’s like they don’t know I plan on cropping them out later.
We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.
*Scrolls TL*
Politics. Subtweet. Peen avi. Poor girl is constipated. Drama. WHORE. Stoned. Sexually frustrated. BOOBS!
*sips juicebox*
Cop: License and registration please.
Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Me: No.
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this
Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.
The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.
~ my cats
I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.
7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math
It’s one thing to get a golf tee stuck in a nostril. Shit happens. But if you’ve got a golf tee in each nostril, that’s a pattern. Wake up.
A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.
Job interview:
– Good morning
– Good morning
– Have you got a twitter account?
– Yes
– Ok, thanks for your time. We’ll get back to you
my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
Apparently when your spouse asks you “what would you like your Secret Santa to get you?”, “laid” isn’t an appropriate answer.