Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent
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If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap
Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.
“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”
Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.
When I worked at McDonald’s, if you ordered a 20 piece chicken nuggets you actually got 32. I hooked up everyone unless you were annoying
Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.
My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.
PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.
“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.
when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.
I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.
A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.
LUMINEERS: we have a new song
PRODUCER: what’s it about?
L: deforestation and the loss of natural resources
P: what’s it called?
L: Susan
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.
“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen
Eventually, everyone will be quarantined to their houses with no sports to watch… and in 9 months from now a boom of babies will be born… and we will call them the coronials. #Coronials #Youhearditherefirst
One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use