Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
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PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor
Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?
“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish
If you died and became a ghost haunting a graveyard you’d save ~$800 a month in rent. That’s over 600k a year. Being broke is a mindset and there’s no excuse for it
2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget
When I play the kazoo, I play to win
Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.
I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch
I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans
Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will
Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.
Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
Tell me your dreams and fantasies!
Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.
My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”
Wife: How is he?
Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water
Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?
Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead
I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags
white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”
I would like a mode of transportation that only allows me to travel a foot at a time with maximum effort requiring stellar balance.
*pogo stick inventor* I got you.
some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.