[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]
Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.
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Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.
If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.
This is your brain.
*holds up a brain*
And this is your brain on drugs.
*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*
[first day at prestigious culinary school]
“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*
“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”
Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”
A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.
[At the register]
“Find everything ok?”
“No I figured I’d get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again.”
[Interview]
Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?
Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!
You sure about that?
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
Not helping
Cop: Lets go, boys, no meth in this house.
*zoom to fish tank*
Fish 1: *nods*
Fish 2: [taps on pirate ship] Resume cooking, Lenny.
*bubbles*
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
Told my husband that I was the prettiest girl in Walmart today and he replied “No offense sweetie, but I’ve been the prettiest girl at Walmart”
Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.
HER: knock it off!
CAT: lol ok
My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?
[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit
The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.