Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS
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ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years
WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
[First date]
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT
Cooking is kind of strange, conceptually. Who took the first slab of meat and said “we better put fire under this for 15 minutes so we don’t die”
You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.
Me when dead:
Yay! No more worrying about appearance or keeping fit or any of that crap!Me a second later:
Wait – WHY THE HELL AM I STILL THINKING?
Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.
You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink
Has science gone too far?
Not to brag, but I finished an entire book in one sitting. I’m going to need some new crayons.
Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.
Today, Mike is missing.
Don’t be like Mike.
Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.
Hitting people with a metal yard stick while wearing a “SOCIAL DISTANCING OFFICER” badge is now perfectly legal.
I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.
Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”
I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.
I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”
*Sits straight up in bed*
“THE CHILDREN”*Kids are sitting in the produce department while two watermelons sleep peacefully in their beds*
Lola the dog and I have been exploring the new neighborhood, but only one of us took a big steaming dump on the neighbor’s yard.
She was mortified at my behavior but when you gotta go, you gotta go.
2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.