Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.
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I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.
Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees
Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
me: hey there delilah what’s it like in new york city
delilah: real estate prices have skyrocketed making it impossible for people to find housing and forcing them to commute from further away, adding stress and expense to their already overburdened lives
me: ..you’re so pretty
Alexa; make it look like an accident
Me: Are you going to travel by ship to the new world?
Husband: Huh?
Me: Are you going to the witch stoning?
Husband: What?
Me: Are you going to grab your musket and join the minute men?
Husband:
Damn, I just realized that my employees do their jobs in order to get paid, and not out of any sense of family or loyalty to the company. Has anyone else heard of this phenomenon??
DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean
MY BRAIN: say you like swimming
MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job
If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever
my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend
Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?
You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.
*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank
Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
ME: On the one hand, I have this weird rash. And on the other hand
DATE: ??
ME: It’s on both hands, I should probably see a doctor
[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds
I have two kinds of followers
Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
I have the financial security of a much, much younger man