Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.
Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.
Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.
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How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?
Friend: Where do you get your sense of humor?
Me: My dad. But don’t say that to him.
F: Why not?
Me: He gets really mad.
*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”
*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*
“WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!”
[car dealership]
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
ME: car
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new
Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?
God: Yes.
Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?
God: Horizontal Pupils
Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*
God: YouTube is gonna love you.
Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.
If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.
I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…
[bicycle race]
Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait
kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
Me: I love my friends. Their interests? Incredible. Their tastes? Impeccable. I would die for them. If there’s a single thing they asked of me I literally could not possibly hesitate
Friend: Hey check out this cool song
Me: Haha cool maybe
“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]
“Who are you eating?”
me: haven’t you ever heard the saying “the customer is always right”?
mcdonald’s cashier: sir, i’m sorry, but the statue of ronald mcdonald doesn’t “come to life every 15 years to prey on burger king customers”
My 8yo (a qualitative soul): How cool is THAT!!
Me (a quantitative soul): *reaches for thermometer*
my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
I’ve licked my tip many times and sometimes it leaves a blue, red and sometimes green mark on my tongue, I mean we’ve all had those multicoloured pens before……
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
I took my kids to the playground and now they want me to push them on the swings. Jesus Christ, haven’t I done enough?
My dog is doing Saturday right by staying in bed until 1pm and shooting me a disapproving look every time my chores wake him up.
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!
A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos
*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.