Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.
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Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.
[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.
When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?
Yup!
My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.
I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.
Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
My sexual fantasy is that I’m a pizza boy, and I deliver pizza to sorority girls and they can’t pay for it, so my boss lets me take all that pizza home for free
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.
This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far
I must have been a raccoon in a former life. I started out cute and cuddly but the older I get the hairier and crazier I get.
Now I have a garbage pallet and I’ll probably hiss at you for touching my snacks.
I still like to cuddle though.
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.
Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!
friend: you should be more spontaneous
me: *opens planner* when?
if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)
Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.
Intellectual powerhouse.
Right here.
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?
Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.
Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?
I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.
[walking into Sephora]
me: I love how it smells in here! If I ever find a man who smells like this, I’m going to lock him in the basement forever.
my husband: I’m right here you know
I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.
Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.
First thing I’m doing after getting vaccinated is going to visit my little brother. Second thing I’m doing is waiting until he uses the restroom to sync my phone with his Nest thermostat so I can change the temperature in his home from anywhere in the world. This is how I love.