mariah carrie
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I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.
Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”
I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN
I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.
Thanks Facebook for letting me know Bobby from kindergarten and Bobby’s two hacked accounts all have birthdays today
It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
My wife makes us recycle everything.
*empties condom into sink*
‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
What happens if you fight a dinosaur?
You get Jurasskicked!
me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Them: “Nobody said anything.”
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.
Billion dollar idea: Tea bags that are actually wine bags. Slogan: You already act like you’re God, now turn water into wine like Jesus!
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
I can point out chicks who say “vokka” and “liberry” instead of “vodka” and “library” based on the use of emoticons in their screen name.
[in the insect dissection room]
Your fly is open.
My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.
Work in retail. If we say it’s not out the back, it’s not. But you pricks insist so we say fine and take a free break. Once I was hungover so took a cheeky nap, came out 15mins later pretending I’d looked EVERYWHERE. She was so grateful I tried, told my manager I was fantastic.
ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm
Is a guy eating peach halves the equivalent of a chick eating a banana?
Asking for a friend…
…but hurry up, I’m almost to the checker
My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep
Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*
*guy struggling to pick his teeth with a toothpick*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there were a better way?-commercial for business cards
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs.
My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.
Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.