I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
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You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago
Kid 1: Why’d u call me Aphrodite?
Me: After the Greek goddess of love
Kid 2: What about me?
Me: Well Alvin, ur named after a famous chipmunk
jesus, what did this guy do
[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second
The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
Word.
~ Microsoft.
H: where did you move after your divorce?
Me: On.
I moved on.
Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
5yo: Dad, if you make me take a bath I will scream and yell and cry, and then you will have to give me a consequence. You don’t want me to have a consequence do you?
How scared do I need to be for this kid’s teenage years
Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.
Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.
Don’tcha wish your g/f was fun like me?
*plays Twister*
Don’tcha wish your g/f was a freak like me?
*regurgitates a jellyfish*
Don’tcha…?
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.
I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks
Me: Send prudes.
Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?
Me: What? Ew. No.
Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:
“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”
Detective: I need to dust for prints, but I can’t find my kit.
Me, eating Cheetos: Here’s a wild idea…
I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.
Just watched a woman outside of the UPS store yell at another woman, “GO TO HELL, MARGARET!” Margaret looked absolutely scandalized. As if this was the first time someone told Margaret to go to hell. As if.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat
My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?