Chasing my dream
Dream: I have a girlfriend
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FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…
Justice League, confused: So like, which half?
Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.
[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]
Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.
Dirty Dancing is a really upsetting if you imagine it from the POV of Baby鈥檚 dad, a cardiologist who just desperately wanted a few weeks of peaceful vacation.
How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!
LADIES imagine this,
its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he鈥檒l miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little
My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.
when i find out there鈥檚 a cat at the party but they鈥檙e locked in the bedroom
I love how the cat trips me when I鈥檓 trying to refill his water bowl so that I get a water all over both of us, but then HE glares at ME.
KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when[several hours later]
KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when
If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.
I鈥檓 tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.
Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.
I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.
Wait for it
I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 馃ゲ.
[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?
me: my ex鈥檚 heart
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: [holding back tears] you鈥檙e hired !!!
A work friend’s daughter is getting married and she asked me to help plan a potato bar for the reception. I did it. I’m a potato planner. I can die now. This is the reason I was born.
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
I always date mathematicians. That way when they ask why I’m breaking up w/them I can say DO THE MATH JERRY. Oh yeah & I always date Jerries
Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.
Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.
Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes
Doctor: I have some bad news
Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?
Doctor: I’m afraid she passed
Me: oh no
Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it
My husband just said, “I have a game I think you’d be interested in that I bet you haven’t heard of…
It’s called Wordle”
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.