[courtroom]
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail
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Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.
Daughter : “mom , will you do my math homework for me tonight?”
Me: “No, it wouldn’t be right.”
Daughter: “Well, just do your best.”
What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
[Murderer chasing me]
Murderer: YOU’VE DROPPED YOUR WALLET
Me: oh, I thought you wanted to kill me
Murderer: *ruffles my hair* I’m a murderer, not a thief! *starts stabbing me*
“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
A world war 2 bunker with fake air vent
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
me: do you have coke
cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?
Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store
My daughter was looking at a photo and asked…“How come you don’t look like this anymore?” Was about to be sad but then realized the pic was of Halloween and I was dressed up as Pippi Longstocking and she just really likes flying pigtails
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?
8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other
dad: WAIT
me:
dad: don’t forget to take a jacket
Teen: Mom, I forgot my key and I won’t be home until midnight. Can you leave the front door unlocked?
– clearly my teen needs to watch more true crime documentaries.
Am getting real tired of your crap…
Dog outside: Hey! Listen up all you losers! I’m the coolest dog on this block! No one is smarter or funnier than me! Get used to it!
My dog from the window: THAT’S! NOT! TRUE! Who said that?! Show yourself! I think you’re awful!!
Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
Dear Lord..
me before getting into birding: OMG SHUT UP BIRDS IT’S 5AM
me now: OMG SHUT UP CAROLINA WRENS, INDIGO BUNTINGS, AND TUFTED TITMICE IT’S 5AM
lil red riding hood: the Internet told me there are two wolves inside of you
granny: *sweating* haha what I don’t even have one haha who reads things on the Internet
I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
We’re at dinner with my parents on this trip.
Dad, receiving his salad: Oh, you have to mix this together yourself.
Me: You mean you have to toss your own salad?!
*Husband laughed*
*Mom giggled*Dad, oblivious: Yeah. You do.
Two out of three ain’t bad.
Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.
My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.
The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.