ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*
BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters
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Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.
commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free
God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
I received a survey for a conference I didn’t attend, so I completed it as if I had attended and the conference had been attacked by dragons.
Them: You should try keto
Me:
Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls
If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
Excerpt of my Google searches today:
7:07am Did the curve flatten yet
7:54am Did the curve flatten yet
8:12am Did the curve flatten yet
8:14am Did the curve flatten yet
9:33am Did the curve flatten yet
9:48am Cheddar Bay biscuits delivery
9:49am Did the curve flatten yet
AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:
Friend: I saw this guy he looks just like you!
Me: Please dont
Friend: No I’m serious you guys are twins
Me: This is never flattering please just shut up
Friend: Look, I took a picture
Me: Man this is an old tire full of water
Friend: You guys are identical!
DATE: I love playful women
ME: [dusting off an old porcelain doll in my purse & setting it on the table] Oh so you won’t mind that Cynthia joins us then-
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”
I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
Dear makers of Axe 3-in-1 shampoo, conditioner & body wash, I have no desire to buy your crap. I’m holding out until it’s also a car wax.
interviewer: what was your last job
me: health angel
interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa
me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle
Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.
Me: We can wait a few days.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: *dives in the car*
*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*
*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-
ope
[Stonehenge]
*Synth bass line*
*hooded figure pops out*
“Thiiiiis is hooww we Druuuiiid”
*other hooded figures pop out*
“It’s Friday night”
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
Taught a lesson on fossils and dinosaurs today.
6yo: (raises hand)
Me: Yes? (Thinking: please don’t ask if I was alive when dinosaurs roamed the earth)
6yo: Did you ever get chased by a dinosaur when you were a kid?
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
my mom is doing what she’s calling “the parade of pies:” walking around with each pie, making us look at it and go “ooooh, looks good” before its sliced. it is a new thing this year. I sense it’s not going away
We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.