Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
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An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are sitting in a doctor’s waiting room, when a man in an obviously worried state enters and cries out, “I fear I’ve become invisible… Can you see me?”
And they respond; “Yes.” “Oui.” “Sí.” “Ja.”
I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty
Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.
God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.
Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )
God: nice! your turn Dog!
Dog: oh.
Cat: I’m so excited!
Dog: alleycat.
Cat:
Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: forgetting everyone‘s name immediately after we met
Professor whatshisname: get out
girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
S O O N
still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.
Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.
tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
*hot girl puts a cherry stem in her mouth*
*twists it around with her tongue*
*pulls it out*
*it spells “I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND”*
My 3 year old nephew pronounces the letter ‘s’ like ‘d’ and received a very comprehensive lesson on the importance of the number six tonight.
Hot tip: If you’re going to wipe your hands on your clothes, wipe them on the INSIDE of your pants, where stains don’t matter. Anyway, officer, that’s why my hands were down my pants while eating these delicious ribs.
I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”
me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”
Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money
Manager: Is this true
Waiter: I just gave him the check
Me: OMG did I tell you about my mom’s Facebook post?
Cop: Not only do you have the right to remain silent, I’m going to have to insist on it
8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?
ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch
8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?
Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.