Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
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I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
10yo: (screaming) MOM, COME HERE RIGHT NOW!!
Me: Okay, Okay!
*steps on lego*
*stubs toe on fallen over chair*
*falls over laundry basket*
*slip-and-slides across spilt water*
*arrives at 10yo*
10yo: Never mind. I figured it out.
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..
Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]
living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else
The thing I like about Dawn dish detergent is that I can wash my dishes, my pets, my gentles, and my car with it, and still have some to drink later.
Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.
If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me
“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”
-Me, as a therapist
If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.
A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient
Advantages and disadvantages of keeping bees in the pocket of my jeans:
Advantages
– If someone steals my jeans and then puts their hand into the pocket, they will regret stealing my jeansDisadvantages
None that I can think of
*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets
me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.
[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count
About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home
Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
[Infomercial]
HOST: Wanna learn how to lose up to 15 pounds with one simple trick?!?
AUDIENCE: Yes!
HOST: Here’s how! *rips off his own arm*
I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague