Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
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As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?
My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood
Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
I feel it
Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”
My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.
ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.
A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.
Happy Alien Day. Did you know aliens do not abduct people, but they’re very fond of socks and Tupperware lids.
[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this
In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks
Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.
If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die
One time I was trying to get a big game to run on an old computer but it didn’t have enough free memory so I compressed the hard drive, twice. That computer never worked again, in case you’re looking for an IT guy.
when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you
DATE: {seductively} What’s your type?
ME: {seductively} One sec.
[2 minutes later]
ME: Ok yeah, love you, no I’m on a date, mom she’s the one trust me, thanks again, ok bye. {turns to date} She said B positive.
I think it’s cool that when you’re pregnant you not only make a baby but you also make a little table where you can put your cereal bowl.
Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force
BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”
Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.