Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
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if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
You left a note on the fridge saying “This isn’t working. Goodbye” but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don’t get it.
Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.
*mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs*
Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away
Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!
Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today
What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..
employer: what skills do you possess that would make you suitible for this position?
me: I possess the skill that will make all your other employees look perfect by comparison
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
[House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I’m not sure we’ll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I’LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*
Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘
Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’
I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.
[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
Groom: Dude, the invitation was for Gandalf the Grey.
Gandalf: Oh, it’s Gandalf the White now.
Bride: [fuming]
Gandalf: [looks fabulous]
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.
[on my deathbed]
Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?
Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.
Me: I’M UP!!!
[looking at my pill caddy]
My wife: Are these… M&M’s?
Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed
[social gathering]
guy: wow, you work in an ER?
me: yep
guy: [whispering] so, uh, what’s the craziest thing you’ve seen in the ER?
me: [whispering back] a dermatologist with a zit
ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now