I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.
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According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…
Without the receipt, apparently.
Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.
A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air
New friend- What do you do for a living?
Me- Disappoint my family.
ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no
[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that
Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH
ubereats: it will cost £3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimmewikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die
me: LMAOOOOOOOOOO
My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.
“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”
To those of you who still feel like you’re superior, remember this; after this pandemic is over we will all have the skill level of a toddler when it comes to dressing ourselves.
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.
I felt a fool.
Everyone else was wearing clothes.
My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape
Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*
My organs: We strike at dawn.
Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.
Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.
These lovely people in a very nice car stopped by our house to buy a bike and they looked horrified the entire time, and it was only as they left that I remembered I had strung a bunch of literal animal bones in the trees for a Halloween party.
Like there is almost no cell service where we live we can’t do this to people.
DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight
ME: *hands him $20 bill*
Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
I’m eating the potato off my 3yr old’s French Fries because he doesn’t like potato, in case you wondered if parenting was right for you
[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door
DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?