See that sad girl up on the hill with tears ?
That’s not me..I’m the one over there running away from a goose with a corn dog in my hand.
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The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan
Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids
Me: oh no
Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while
Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now
I don’t have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.
I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.
Snapes on a plane.
Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.
Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.
When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace
I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.
Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?
I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.
I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.
son: dad sing me a song
me: alright *clears throat* SHAWTY HAD THEM APPLE BOTTOM JEANS
wife from the other room: JEANS
me: BOOTS WITH THE FUR
wife: *shows up, grabs both door handles and drops it low* WITH THE FUR
me: THE WHOLE CLUB WAS LOOKING AT HER
I load the dishwasher with delicious and reckless abandon, laughing aloud as I do: HAHAHA, MOTHER, how do you like me now!
8: Grandma’s car just pulled in.
Me: OMG please help me fix this
Me sliding into hell like
streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy
Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.
My dogs are so stupid. They keep wanting outside even though they know it’s freezing out and they want right back in in 5 minutes.
*gives them a cookie when they come in*
My dogs are so stupid.
I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.
Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.
Whenever my wife gets smug about winning an argument I like to remind her that up until a year ago she thought narwhals were mythological creatures.
my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*
*THE BIRTH OF PHILOSOPHY*
THAG: How can CAVE be a thing when CAVE is by definition absence of rock?
THURG: *gnawing dinosaur leg* Haha Thag never find mate.
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?
Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.
[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
Give me a minute, I can make this about me.