I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
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If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.
When I have a daughter I’m naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say “Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night” how would that sound?
[Me getting cut off in traffic]
GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!
[Notices USMC sticker]
AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!
When I was a kid another kid brought his turtle to school.
One kid asked, “does he bite?”
“Heck no,” said turtle kid pressing his index finger against the turtles beak. Then there was blood and screaming.
So we learned other children are a terrible source of information.
What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
date: what do you do for a living?
me: i make trojan horses
date: that’s not what i’d expect
me: yah that’s the idea
Another couple invited my husband and me to do a triathlon and it’s way worse than we thought. Apparently “doing a triathlon together” is code for “doing a triathlon together.”
Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.
ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.
STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.
Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap
yes lassie?
“bark”
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
“bark”
smart
My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”
Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”
get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.
I think it’s cool that when you’re pregnant you not only make a baby but you also make a little table where you can put your cereal bowl.
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?
Me: Sunscreen?
Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway