Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
You Might Also Like
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.
Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol
~App developers probably
When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
Millions of years ago dinosaurs ruled the earth but like all great empires they were eventually brought down by corruption and voter fatigue
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
Me: ok that’s everything in the dishwasher
*presses start and turns around*
Teaspoon: you’re not gonna believe this
My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”
ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”
Customer: do you sell {item}?
Coworker: oh, yeah but I’m just having a hard time getting it in
Me: *resisting the urge to go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh?, phrasing boom, that’s what she said*
Kids: *misbehaving in public*
Me: Keep it up and I’ll get my breakdancing cardboard out of the trunk.
Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
*first date*
Her: I love strong guys…
Me: I would fight
Her: …with a playful side…
Me: with Mickey Mouse
Her: …and a naughty side…
Me: in bed
Her: what
Me: what
Boss-You’re Always the first one here!
Me-Hey,*early bird gets the worm, right?
*gets to poop or drink coffee without 3yr old interrupting
I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work
Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.
I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that