Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.
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this is me
Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.
Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!
You’re welcome!
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: What kind of body do you want to have?
ME: *leans in close* I’d prefer human
“Your dinner is good, but my taste buds can’t appreciate it” my son said, so I guess he’ll have a great career in politics
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time
January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.
Feeling sad? Donuts.
Feeling blah? Donuts.
Feeling upset? Donuts.
Feeling that your husband may be Facebook cheating on you with his skanky old high school girlfriend Brenda? Lots and lots and lots of donuts.
My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
The conditioner I use is made with avocado oil. Not only is my hair soft, manageable, and shiny, but it also reminds me all day long about guacamole.
YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir
“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
Kidnapper: We’ve kidnapped your son.
My dad: Please let me speak to him.
Kidnapper: He’s here.
My dad: You left the fan on, again.
The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.
I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.
Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.
eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us
[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met
Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job