okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?
*room chuckles*
*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith
You Might Also Like
Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask
friend: look how big my new plant is getting!
me: oh wow, if you think that’s big you should see some of the ones outside has
[couples therapy]
Mrs: he’s too handsy, always touching me all over…
Mr: [who is an octopus] I CANT HELP IT LINDA IM LIKE 90% HANDS…
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
Whoever you are, you can’t deny that
Harry Potter & the Fallopian Tubes
sounds like a legitimate title.
Don’t act like you wouldn’t read it.
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.
“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?
public bathrooms: wash your hands
also public bathrooms: here’s a microgram of soap, 2 seconds of water, and an inch of paper towel– good luck to ya!
it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie
we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.
[the middle of showering] I need a break
employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this
I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.
writers really said: what if homework… was a career.
On my usual morning jaunt this morning, casually advancing the society in which I live, I was briefly detained by an officer of the law. And indeed, as any law abiding citizen would do, I quickly put my clothes back on
“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.
Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.
we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.
Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.
I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
ADELE: hello from the outside
ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman
A 5yo’s energy is wild. How are you doing parkour while you relax and watch tv? Why are you upside down? Relax, please I’m getting tired just watching you hahah