ME: my stomach hurts
STOMACH: you ate too much
ME: maybe I need something to settle it down
STOMACH: no
ME: but what?
STOMACH: nothing
ME: maybe something carbonated
STOMACH: pepto bismol
ME: yes a beer
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Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No
cop: got any drugs on you
me: nah
cop: how about in your car
me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately
If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.
Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
My son (11) was talking to his friends playing fortnite and I hear him say, “My mom is a big deal on the internet” to which one of the kids said, “Is she on Onlyfans?” And son said, “What’s that?” And other kid said, “Google it” and when I say I have never run so fast in my life
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
Dr: Read the chart for me please.
Me: Needs immediate psych evaluation?
Dr: Ma’am, I was talking about the eye chart.
Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.
*pets unicorn*
Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!
80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
…in my purse, in my coat pocket, in the fridge, in the pantry, beside the corkscrew…
[Chapstick Season]
Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.
Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale
#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo
my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making
my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.
“You put the clothes in the washer, and then you put them in the dryer, then, on the third day, you fold them and put them away.” – my kid, totally blowing up my spot while explaining how laundry is done
didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?
[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no
[ad for florist]
Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?
the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.
You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
It’s only the fifth day of school and my 9-year-old has already memorized the names of all 50 fourth graders who have cellphones.
Hubs: You can play outside for 5 more minutes as long as you don’t throw a tantrum when I tell you to come in.
6yo: I might not throw a tantrum. Or I might throw a little tantrum. I don’t know. We’ll see.
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
5-YEAR-OLD: mommy, what happens if I turn 100 years old?
MY WIFE: you get a special certificate from the president
5: what happens if I turn 150?
W: you die