Biden: I told him that we call in attacks on countries by blocking them on Twitter.
O: Joe…
Biden: Trust me.
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It’s easy to watch movies on this plane! Just download our app, set your phone to airplane mode, turn on your wifi, select our wifi, go to our website, enter in the special key, add a photo of your driver’s license, enter your social security number twice, give us your first born.
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
Me: So after this Imma call you my stentist.
Cardiologist: Ok so no surgery for you.
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”
‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.
cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN
Just a reminder, folks:
I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.
Me: You really can’t describe the thrill of the hunt until you’re in the thick of it. Exhilarating!
Cashier: Sir, those items are always buy one, get one free all year.
“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
This afternoon a crew of men were installing Christmas lights on a house down the street. The next thing I hear is a boy yelling, “It’s not Decemberrrrrr!!”
That’s how I knew my son was home from school.
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?
What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk
Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out
I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.
Business is booming.
It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…
Me: …because I still need it.
Wife: please don’t let our daughter dress herself anymore.
Me: oh. wow. ok.
Wife: what?
Me: nothing, it’s fine.
Wife: you dressed her this morning didn’t you?
My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.
Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.
God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami
Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami
God: *loves boats* No
Pessimist: it’s half empty
Optimist: it’s half full
Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?
A dead goose is called a ghoost
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
While we’re on the subject….
*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*
why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead