The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
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Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage and understand how it works?
Me (imagining bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza:
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
All cars should have a robot hand built into the driver’s seat headrest. If you don’t use your turn signal, it flicks you in the ear for the rest of the trip.
Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.
Newborn: *cries*
Me: *cries better*
I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs
*aliens land in America*
Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!
Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…
as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
subtitles are for when you’re eating chips
Alexa, mess up everyone’s cell phone service.
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.
Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.
My 17-year-old bought us dinner and now he’s making brownies and we’re about to watch a movie together.
I don’t even care what crime he committed to inspire this good behavior, I just hope they don’t catch him anytime soon.
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES
You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
80% of marriage is pointedly yelling an irritated “WHAT?!” to make your spouse understand that there’s no chance in hell you can hear what s/he’s saying from five rooms away, around three corners, down two hallways, and over the cacophonous screams of hyper children.
A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills
I was searching for how to hit a deer and survive but now my history makes it look like I’m hunting deer with my car
[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.
I saw this ending much differently.
Shot pool with my 15yo son.
Taught him a valuable lesson.
You can restart a video game 1000 times.
You can only lose your allowance once.
Birds do it/Bees do it/Even educated fleas do it/Let’s do it/Let’s make people super nervous anytime we’re in their personal space
1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.
“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”