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Me: How long should I roast asparagus in the oven?
Food Blogger: Wondering how long to roast asparagus? C’mere! I’ve got your answer!
Me: Cool! Thank-
Food Blogger: I was born on a farm in Tennessee. My father was an angry man with 3 fingers on each hand. A war injury…
[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute
me, after any kind of buffet.
my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan
Oompa Loompa: When you die do we get the factory?
Wonka: No, I’ll just invite 5 random kids and murder 4.
Oompa Loompa: We need a union…
One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them
a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup
My 5yo didn’t wanna get in the bath last night so I told her it was filled with birthday water and this was her only chance to experience it until her next bday and I’ve never seen her get in the bath faster. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ride this parenting high for a bit.
My friend is an excellent librarian.
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”
Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar
If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.
when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye
I tried to sell something for $69 on Facebook, and I guess that’s some kind of code because 3 people asked for my phone number and none of them wanted my old chair.
There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.
Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
If a malevolent demon is watching you sleep, simply go to Settings > General > Privacy > Malevolent Demon Who Watches You Sleep (Deactivate)
*working out*
this is so much worse than i thought
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing