What can I say? Your script is great. A cop in a supercharged patrol car fighting insane mutant gangs along limitless stretches of highway in a desolate, post-apocalyptic landscape. Fantastic. But the title, Annoyed Max. We need to punch that up
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You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.
Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose?
WRONG. Neither. Don’t ever take my candy.
So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.
[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know
make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”
My husband: you don’t hear that beeping?
Me: The what?
Him: Its been going on for the last 15 minutes. How are you not hearing that?
*flashback to me reading as my kids orbit me crying and yelling “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY”*
Me: Practice.
is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok i’ll take one*later*
duck: quick!
me: i see
[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”
Me:
My cat: wow you sure nap a lot
I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read
anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
Oh you’ve jumped out of an airplane? Well, I’ve run down the stairs in SOCKS, so I think we’re even
[In the middle of nowhere]
4: “Mommy, are there toilets on this road trip?”
… yes
“Because I’m about to poop my pants.”
Never confuse a colostomy bag with a whoopie cushion.
Totally ruined Grandpa’s 90th birthday.
CHILD: *breathes*
PERSON: You need to keep your child under control, they should be still, quiet, unhappy and oppressed like an adult at all times!PUPPY: *bites persons face off and pees on them*
PERSON: Don’t you dare apologize, he’s a puppy! He’s still learning!
My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.
Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend
Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
The average person eats 8 spiders a year
*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”
The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.
When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.
CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
Me: *pauses*
(with Cheeto stained lips)
*kisses paper*
CW:
Me: That’s my signature.
Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no