ME (calling my horse with no name):
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Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself
Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?
I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..
[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!
It’s Ash Wednesday so today I had fish for dinner.
OK, I had Goldfish for dinner. That still counts, right?
KID: what do geese do at night
PARENT: good question
GOOSE(in a surveillance van): [spits out coffee] dammit we’re running out of time
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
the worst pressure is when you’re replying to a text with a word you can’t spell and you know they’re going to wonder why it took you 5 minutes to type “I’ll bring hors d’oeuvres”
I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER
Me: I can’t find clothes for a toddler
Salesman: Have you looked for 12-15 months?
Me: No, just half an hour
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
Only Americans understand
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned
Dude’s trunk just popped open in front of me on the expressway ramp. I instinctively looked to see if any of you were in there.
When I unsubscribe from an e-mail list, and they have one of those annoying surveys asking for a reason why I unsubscribed, I click “Other” and write “I used to make sweet love to your CEO and these e-mails are a painful reminder of our time together.”
INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously?
ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier
INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?
The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your main strength?
ME: I think it’s pretty obvious
INTERVIEWER: Right… And you made that ninja turtle costume at-
ME: At home. Yes
I’m a giver.
*gives you a hard time*
If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.
Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…
ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something
Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.