You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?
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(Art Museum)
Me:*sees nature painting*
*pulls out sharpie*
*draws sun in the top left corner*
My 5th Grade Art Teacher: *thumbs up* nice
wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.
2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.
So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like
Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.
Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.
The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.
The two FIFA World Cup 2014 songs are Ole Ola & La La La.
Our linguistic evolution as humans never ceases to amaze me.
Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?
i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time
“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.
Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?
If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know
Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”
People: wait no, why are you like that
Me: What did you do at school today?
4yo: Nothing
M: You must have done something.
4: I don’t remember.
[Bedtime]
M: Goodnight.
4: Wait.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..
I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.
Sorry random shopper probably wondering where those cheese sticks disappeared to, but in my defense you walked away from your trolley, they were the last pack and i’m weak around cheese
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
WHO: omg please stop sharing your stuff
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
The Internet wins again..👇👇🤣🤣🤣👏👏
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing
Cop: have you been drinking tonight?
Me: no sir
Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…