firemen keep harvesting my cat tree
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academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you
cooks vegan zuchinni alfredo for dinner (evolved). follows it up with fistfuls of shaved parm straight out of the tub (caveman brain)
The wife’s clearing out the fridge before vacation so I’ve a pork chop, 3 slices of ham and 6 bacon rashers for dinner. The sad thing is knowing I can never again love her as intensely as I do right now.
My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork
The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
my daughter was wearing a flannel hoodie so I said “hey, the 90’s called” and she replied “yeah cause they couldn’t text” and godDAMMIT I’m getting really tired of my kids owning me
Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots
every time we see a couple with a big age gap, my girlfriend goes “ugh what do they even have in common???” and it’s like, idk, maybe that they’re both getting extremely judgmental voicemails from every member of their family
We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.
Hurricane. It’s fine.
Broken foot. Still fine.
Anemic, arthritic, slow walking dog who refuses to go in the backyard so must be walked through nature’s hissy fit. Totally fine.
Coffee maker not working. EXTREMELY NOT FINE.
Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude
I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”
I used to eat my feelings but now it’s so expensive I might as well go to therapy
what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
government: let’s reopen stuff.
public: ummmm…
guy who sells death certificate printers: let’s hear him out…
*After a dental appointment*
4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!
A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”
Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.
I plan to say ridiculous things to people all day, but it’s totally OK cuz I’m gonna say, “no offense” afterwards.
Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.
Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.
ROOMBA: I pick up anything
ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30
ROOMBA: No wait-
[45 minutes later]
ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?
There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.
It’s not enough for my dog to sit and get pets; he must also make eye contact with my other dog to make sure that he knows.
I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.