My class teacher once said “Write and Practice.” Turns out she was right. I practiced on my desk just before I started my exam and it worked
You Might Also Like
I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.
Bit chilly again tonight.
My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.
Each second of this is more amazing than the last
Him: Im just going to grab a quick beer with Tod after the gym, it shouldn’t take long.
Brain: that seems reasonable, you are not even gonna be home.
Hormones: tell him you hope he lives happily forever after with Tod.
I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.
You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
ME: is this the soup of the day
WAITER: it’s an aquarium
ME: ok I’ll have that
I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?
GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”
GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”
NORTH CAROLINA:We believe in family values.
ME:Like Disney movies?
NC:Exactly.
ME:Like Mulan, where a cross dresser saves China?
NC:…
“Remember Robert from work?”
Yeah..he was a douche.
“He died.”
WHAT?!? OMG..He was such a nice guy!
4 pm:
5 pm:
6 pm:
7 pm:
8 pm:
9 pm:
9:59 pm:12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow
HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain
Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment
I recently took a pole
And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed
Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.
When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.
Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?
Wife: Oh god
Me: They study algae, brah!
Judge: Divorce granted
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.
Time for me to sign up for the hallmark channel for the next two months.
there are a lot of white women in fur-lined parkas that I need to watch fall in love
Wife: Let’s watch Netflix.
Me: Ok. [starts movie]
Wife: [sleeping]
Me [pausing]: OMG we are two seconds into it.
Wife: What?
Me: You’re sleeping.
Wife: I’m not sleeping. Press Play.
Me: [presses Play]
Wife: [sleeping]
One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.
Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.
My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
The first thing I’m going to do when my kids move into homes of their own is machine gun fire toothpaste spit all over the faucet and mirror in the bathroom.
This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists