Me, on phone with mom, “I’m drinking a glass of rose’ paired with a warm, toasted strawberry crumble.”
Husband, “You’re drinking wine from a box and eating a pop tart.”
Me, finger to my mouth, “Shhhh….”
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ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.
My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.
-I win
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl
*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door
me: [buying $2 ice cream with $100 bill] is this enough?
cnn: [mashing calculator] oh gosh it’s gonna be close
my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”
Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it
[First date]
HER: When I find someone attractive, my voice goes all high-pitched, I can’t help it!ME: Aw that’s kind of cute though
HER [Batman voice] thanks
Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.
I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say
Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle
Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”
I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.
“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.
“My, what big ears you have!”
All the better to hear you, my dear!
“And what big arms you have!”
All the… actually this is getting hurtful
guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put
She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.
My dating profile:
“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.
“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.