Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.
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**Blood-curdling scream**
Dinner’s ready.
Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
I just read that if you eat a slice of bread first thing in the morning and one last thing at night, everything you eat in between makes it a sandwich
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
friend:
There’s this thing that starts around 6PM andme:
I’m already out.
People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴
Me: I’m sitting down to read and have my coffee. Don’t come in here unless it’s an emergency. I want 15 minutes.
[12 seconds later]
“MOOOMMMM! HE’S BUILDING A FORCE FIELD AROUND ME”
lol sometimes I-
[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”
*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*
Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
…and send
a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles
[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.
can’t believe I got front row seats
Gross if literal…Liverpool
*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*
Of course I support real issues.
I donate hundreds of dollars to the Girl Scouts every year for the ‘No Cookie Left Uneaten’, movement
If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, “You showed up latte for work today!” then when the laughing stops, “but no, you’re fired.”
[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what’s your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here
[about to go in for emergency surgery]
ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?
Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that
Not really getting much out of this Bring Your Daughter to Work Day, to be honest. It’s almost as if my 6yo had never used PowerPoint before
Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.