Wife: “I’d do anything for a cupcake.”
Me: “Anything?”
*drives to store*
*brings home cupcakes*
*discovers “anything” includes lying*
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Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Yes
Magician: And this?
Me: Yup
Magician: How about this one?
Me: Please just put the gun down, you can take the whole wallet
I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.
To the driver of the truck with the ENVYME vanity plate who took up two spaces and left me nowhere to park: Why would I envy someone with four freshly deflated tires?
Me: I fell down the stairs with a quart of Jägermeister & I didn’t spill a drop.
Him: Well, how’d you do that?
Me: I kept my mouth shut..
[gets pulled over]
me: problem, officer?
cop: you were swerving, i want you to count backwards from 100 for me
[2hrs 36m later]
me: how was that
cop: did you really need the “bottles of beer on the wall” part before every number
[2000]
Satan: I need a new idea on how to mess with people
Henchman 1: New STD?
S: No
H2: Incurable virus?
S: No
H3: A cameraphone
S: Nice
German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.
Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards
My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT
4yo: I had a dream about u mommy
Me: I feel so special
4yo: I flushed u down the toilet
There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.
A young guy at work asked me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I’m 52 yrs old Connor. I just turned down my radio so I can see better. I’m not even ready for today.
When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
Me: *seductively spreading peanut butter on my chest
Sir, you’re going to have to leave.
Me: *reluctantly gets off treadmill
[Subway]
ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*
[funeral]
WIDOW: i—i just cant believe he’s gone
ME: hey [putting my hand on her shoulder] u parked ur car directly behind mine so im stuck
If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.
[first day in the crime lab]
me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists
Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
I have never related to anyone more.
This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.