Saw this crow emerge from a dumpster with two-thirds of a whole bagel, and the other crows stopped like they’d seen someone pull the sword from the stone. Gonna ask if they need Merlin.
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baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –
baby – 🎵 I really can’t staaay … 🎵
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 🎵 I have to go a … 🎵
me – ok, bye!
Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.
*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*
guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd
I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.
Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.
When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.
The Real Housewives of Sesame Street
Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
BOUNCER FOR A COOL BAR: password?
Me: Midnight77
BOUNCER: great *grabs a poster board collage* now which one of these doesn’t contain a stop sign
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
Stop correcting my vodkabulary
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma:
When I was a kid another kid brought his turtle to school.
One kid asked, “does he bite?”
“Heck no,” said turtle kid pressing his index finger against the turtles beak. Then there was blood and screaming.
So we learned other children are a terrible source of information.
I’m in a really bad place right now*
*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house
“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”
-Me, as a therapist
Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?
Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.
Husband: We didn’t have any trick-or-treaters last year.
Me: *death glare*
if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”
I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.
my kids wanted fruit instead of cinnamon rolls this am so now I’m left wondering what heinous tantrum is coming later to equal it all out
[last day at job]
“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”
[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]
“Not you tho Phil”