Can’t. About to go please some beans
You Might Also Like
and now we wait
I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
* on my death bed
Me: One thing I want you to do for me…
Wife: Name it?
Me: I want you to marry Larry.
Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?
Me: I do.
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just 2022.
they always announce when a famous person dies but they never announce when a famous person is born
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
I moved to LA with nothing but the shirt on my back. No pants & I couldn’t figure out how to get the shirt on my front. Soon I was jailed
Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”
And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”
Parenthood has made me so mature.
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
Me, writing: I must get the description of this wrought-iron fence that I remember from my childhood exactly right, down to the bumps and bubbles in the many coats of paint., no matter how long it takes.
Me, editing: *deletes three pages of description; inserts “a fence”*
Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.
* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.
I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.
“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.
#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
The world: “That movie is abysmal trash and should never have been made.”
Horror fans: “I own it on VHS, DVD, blu-ray and 4K and watch it twice a year.”
The 5 most important things to teach my kids:
1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count
You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.
stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen
Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
Just heard a woman say, “I never give my dog medicine I haven’t tried first” and her friend responded, “oh, Janet, no.”
I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
[new coffee shop]
DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE
I accidentally stepped on my cat’s tail the other day. You could cut the levels of tension, hurt and mistrust with a knife. I feared for my life. Feline retaliation was nigh. That night she threw up on my bed. Balance was once again achieved.
They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.
Today I’m golfing.
Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.