ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*
STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?
ME: deep tissue massage
CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security
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*calls restaurant*
Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?
Host: Of course it is sir
*hangs up*
Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow
I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.
Well three can play at that game.
Sex in the snow is wintercourse.
Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.
Some people wake up in the morning & are all like “omg I’m the luckiest person in the world” and I wake up all like “oh my god”
If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”
Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.
wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years
“You knew what you were getting into when you had children”
Did I? Did I know that I’d be arguing with a 4yo that we don’t lick peoples feet? DID I KNOW THAT?
TWEET CALL
Thank you to 15k of you who followed me for one reason or another! Please share one tweet from you or a friend and please consider donating to this friend of mine. She is in a bad place and trying to get out, please share if you can ❤️
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.
EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
ME: On the one hand, I have this weird rash. And on the other hand
DATE: ??
ME: It’s on both hands, I should probably see a doctor
I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.
I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.
[frisky in the bedroom]
Me: yeah, hurt me 😏
Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!
A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.
Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.
That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt
– first person to cook a potato
My 4 year old niece won’t eat the grilled cheese I just made her because it looks funny. Kinda choosy for someone that just ate a crayon.