A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”
I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder
Flirting is hard
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People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
date: what’s your dream job?
me: designing food stats for RPGs
date: umm ok… *sips water*
me: [under breath] -2 thirst
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
Dad:
Mom:
Two year old with over developed brain: Mother. Father. I do not mean to bother you but it seems I’ve soiled the crib. I tried cleaning it up but my arms are too small for me to-
Mom: Why do you have a brutish accent?
Dad: That’s the question you wanna ask?
Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!
Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.
A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”
Me: *checking weather on phone*
3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?
Me:
3:
Me: Yes, we go way back.
Our former nanny is pregnant and while I’m happy for her I’m mostly just relieved that my kids didn’t ruin her desire to be a parent
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.
Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.
tourist season
google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
ME: *grasping wife’s hand* omg he’s going to say his first words
WIFE: c’mon buddy you can do it
WAITER: can i get you two started with something to drink?
MY WIFE AND ME [excitedly]: d’awwwww
A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.
I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.
“OMG, this is better than sex!”
-Me, snacking during sex
At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.
My parents wouldn’t buy insect repellent, yet they bought enough Calamine lotion to cover the mosquito bites of an entire neighborhood of children. I didn’t ask why. I just walked around with pink spots for 14 years of my life.
I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.
I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song