I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.
It was a twerk-place injury.
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Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.
It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are
Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson
Hmm, not sure about this change
Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason
Her: You don’t have to cook me dinner, we can just go out.
Me *tossing a jellyfish in the air like pizza dough* No it’s fine I don’t mind..
one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
worst things about halloween as an adult:
– things are even scarier than usual
– people knock on your door
– you have less candy afterwards
My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions
Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?
The only occasions in which I will run:
– Zombie apocalypse
– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs
Son: You act like the dog is better than me.
Me: Sit
*dog sits immediately*
*son hesitates and then sits*Me: I rest my case
Hey Canadians, what’s the plural of ‘moose?’
Mooses?
Mooseses?
Meese?
Meeses?
Moosii?Asking for a friend.
It’s me.
I’m American.
I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.
Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
I wish I could say the massive bruise on my leg is from Kickboxing class, but no. It’s from a door hitting me on a windy day as I walked into a burger joint.
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
ME: scalpel
NURSE: scalpel
M: sclissors
N: scissors
M: neeble
N: are u sure u should operate on ur own brain
M: *nods head diagonally* toast
my house isn’t haunted i just have kids. shit goes missing at random. doors are left open. faucets left running. and don’t get me started on the screams.
My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”
Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.
Therapist: Go to your happy place
Me: Ok
Therapist: Good, where are you?
Me: In a bathtub full of Sausage Egg McMuffins
Therapist: I’m sorry, what?
Me: The beach, I said the beach
There should be a socially acceptable way to say, “I’m not sure what to say to that. Can you please say something different?”.
It’s the remix to ignition,
I’m a terrible magician,
I cut your grandma in half,
And now my rabbit is missing.
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.