When I snag the last meatball.
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Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
the animal sanctuary account i follow just made a post about how one of their elephants had a “i didn’t know i was pregnant” type delivery that was so shocking that when the baby just dropped out onto the ground the other elephants ran away screaming
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.
Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!
Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.
uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there
Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER: I don’t know, CAN you?
BILLY: *Sigh* MAY I sacrifice a goat to the great demon Belphegor?
TEACHER: Maybe after crafts.
If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.
Joseph: we have to walk to bethlehem for a census thing
Mary, 9 months pregnant: i’m sorry what
violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)
PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”
In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine
why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free
me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar
{ 15 years later }
me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence
The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.
Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”
COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.
STUDENT: Is there anything I can do to get my grade up?
TEACHER: {biting lip} There may be one thing.
ME: {sitting on couch mouthful of popcorn} Make him retake the class!
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.