Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.
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“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”–spirited debate
I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
[first day as a lawyer]
CLIENT: you’re fired
ME: was it my opening rap or the –
CLIENT: mostly the skipping, yes
is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner
God, grant me the serenity to yell at immigrant children, the courage to still say I’m a Christian, and the ignorance to not get the irony.
They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
[friend being eaten by a bear]
*screaming violently*
Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!
I’ve always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man.
my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo
You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?
Wait – my gym moved?
In 1997?
Hot people celebrate the new year in nightgowns and caps with tiny candles on plates & retire to their chambers at exactly 10 PM so they can go “honk shoo, honk shoo, mi-mi-mi-mi.” All hot people do this.
I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.
Penguins walking in 5x speed
Captain: *opens treasure chest* Arrgh! It be just a mirror!
First Mate: Look closely, Cap’n
Captain: *studies* The treasure… is me?
Crew: Happy Birthday, Cap’n!
Captain: *sniff* Yarrr
Cop: Why were you speeding?
Me: SHE’S IN LABOR!
Cop: That’s a beach ball in a wig.
Me:
Cop:
Me: I don’t think I’m the father.
Cop: Get out.
shit just got real
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
“Daddy, why do I have to go to school?”
“So you don’t end up like me”
“What, awesome?”
“Alright fine, no school today”
My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”
A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.
Husband: Um, what are you doing?
Me: My doctor said I should do multiple sets of bagels a day to strengthen my pelvic floor
Husband:…
Me, spitting crumbs: I’m almost certain he said bagels